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Monday 28 August 2017 02:07
She Tried To Kill Herself. ♥
Slowly happiness is taken away and all I can feel now how failure I am. I can't recall a good time I once had but all bad evil memories that linger inside my head now. All my suicide attempted running through my mind and why I choose that fucking options in the end without thinking. Because everything I do is never seem enough. I once tried to be good, to succeed in my life, but life ain't let me be one. Disappointment is what I'll get, up till now.
If it happens one day, I am no longer around. Read this and you will know my story a bit, at least. How struggle I'm dealing with life and keep on putting my mask because it's easier that way.
Sunday 27 August 2017 14:29
I Will Never Be Good Enough. ♥
Have you ever try your best but as a result disappointment is what you get?
My life is so fucked up. At one point it's hard for me to deal not only with the people, environment but also with myself. People take things for granted and they use your weaknesses to counter back you while it is completely fine if they do the exact same things. Unfair ain't it?
Do you ever feel like there's not a person in the world that loves you?
Do you wish that life was different?
You find the right clothes
Put on the right mask
They see this brave, fearless girl
It compels them
And they think
Maybe, if I did my eyes like this
I could be a small step closer to who I want to be
And a little less of what the world expects me to be
I was worried I wouldn't be enough
That's what I'm afraid of
Not being enough
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Pretty enough
I just got tired of talking about it
I got tired of sleeping 15 hours a day
And I got tired of running into old friends
And seeing the polite grin on their faces 'cos they didn't know what to say
Or how to say it
Nobody saw me
Nobody looked me in the eye
I need something to be good
I need something to feel right
I've never been good enough for you
I'll never be good enough for you
I'm weird
I'm a weirdo
I don't fit in
I'm the damaged
Loner
Outsider
From the wrong side of the tracks
Saturday 26 August 2017 20:13
The Stigma Of Depression. ♥
I felt like I had been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees and there's the life that only I see.
Cause' the truth is that's just the life everyone else sees.
And the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am is someone who struggles intensively with depression.
Now for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear. Because there's this popular misconception that depression is just being sad when everything goes wrong. But that's sadness, that's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion.
Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right.
Beneath my smile there was struggling and beneath my light there was dark and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain. For a large part of my life I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honestly, I feared my vulnerability. And that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner. Like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, so I thought about that way every single day.
That's the struggle, that's depression. Depression isn't a chicken pox, you don't beat it once and then it's gone forever. It something you live with. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape. And the scariest part is that after a while you become numb to it. It becomes normal to you and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others.
It's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm everyone runs over to sign your cast but if you tell people you're depressed everyone runs the other way.
We are so accepting of any body part breaking other than our brains
And that's ignorance, that's pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health.
When we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart. We all know how important it is to heal.
My hurts forced me to have hope, to have hope and to have faith. Faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance. Fight back against tolorance and more than anything learn to love ourselves. Learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are. Not the people the world wants us to be.
The world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe is one where we're measured by our abilities to overcome advertises, not avoid them. We are people and we struggle, we suffer, we bleed and we cry. And if you think that the true strength means never showing any weakness, then you're wrong. You're wrong because it's the opposite. We're people and we have problems. We are not perfect and that's okay.
We need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma and stop the silence. We need to take away the the taboos, take a look at the truth and start talking. The only way we are going to beat problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together.
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