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Thursday, 21 September 2017 01:56
I'm Still Not Over You. ♥
Have you ever fall in love and when the love is not there anymore you just feel lost and every memory keep on playing like a broken record?
In the meantime you, yourself know that for the time being you apparently just shut down your heart because it still haunts you and without you realized you somehow put a slightly hope there will be the last chance for both to give a try just to ensure everything can be fix? - I DO.
I made it through the day and I must have said, I'm fine.
The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them. I feel hopeless, depress, angry but most of all I'm scared. Part of me just wants to end it.
I couldn't sleep at night because I know that it's over between us. Sometimes I said to myself 'I'll do whatever you want so please stay. I don't care where we are, I just care that we're together.' And I'm afraid I'll self-destruct and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.
Just know I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only and so I'll miss you with every beat of my heart.
Tuesday, 19 September 2017 01:50
I'm Letting Go. ♥
Can I cry? I need a shoulder and warm hug.
They say 'your first love will be the hardest and unforgettable' and I think it's true.
I'd have changed my number. The toughest thing ever in my life but maybe Almight have another plan for me. To start fresh all over again. Finally, I packed up all our memories together. It took me some time to do that and today I made it, with a heavy and mix feeling. It's hard I'm not gonna lie because the moment I clear my stuff or 'us' meaning that is the ending part. Even though I knew you done that long time ago.
As now we already block each other, I wish you all the best in your life. Forever you will be in my heart because the scar you left on me was too deep and it will forever remain. My prayer will always be with you.
A.Z.T
Friday, 15 September 2017 01:35
New Chapter. ♥
I like to think that I come across as a really
happy, positive person.
But
That's not always the case
I'm just a person
Just like you guys
And I struggle
A LOT
I have a lot going on in my life
I've been a very unhappy person
I've done so much
I've gone so many places
And something needs to change
I've always been the type of person
That does things
To make other people happy
But this can't be one of those things
I need to do this
To make myself happy
You have no idea how long I've tried
To get over this
Or to find another way
But I can't
I'm really really sorry about that
The last thing I wanna do
Is hurt any of you
I'm doing this for me
And I really really hope you guys don't hate me
Or look down on me
For doing that
This is a new chapter in my life
It's not the end
By any means
It's literally just a new page.
Monday, 28 August 2017 02:07
She Tried To Kill Herself. ♥
Slowly happiness is taken away and all I can feel now how failure I am. I can't recall a good time I once had but all bad evil memories that linger inside my head now. All my suicide attempted running through my mind and why I choose that fucking options in the end without thinking. Because everything I do is never seem enough. I once tried to be good, to succeed in my life, but life ain't let me be one. Disappointment is what I'll get, up till now.
If it happens one day, I am no longer around. Read this and you will know my story a bit, at least. How struggle I'm dealing with life and keep on putting my mask because it's easier that way.
Sunday, 27 August 2017 14:29
I Will Never Be Good Enough. ♥
Have you ever try your best but as a result disappointment is what you get?
My life is so fucked up. At one point it's hard for me to deal not only with the people, environment but also with myself. People take things for granted and they use your weaknesses to counter back you while it is completely fine if they do the exact same things. Unfair ain't it?
Do you ever feel like there's not a person in the world that loves you?
Do you wish that life was different?
You find the right clothes
Put on the right mask
They see this brave, fearless girl
It compels them
And they think
Maybe, if I did my eyes like this
I could be a small step closer to who I want to be
And a little less of what the world expects me to be
I was worried I wouldn't be enough
That's what I'm afraid of
Not being enough
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Pretty enough
I just got tired of talking about it
I got tired of sleeping 15 hours a day
And I got tired of running into old friends
And seeing the polite grin on their faces 'cos they didn't know what to say
Or how to say it
Nobody saw me
Nobody looked me in the eye
I need something to be good
I need something to feel right
I've never been good enough for you
I'll never be good enough for you
I'm weird
I'm a weirdo
I don't fit in
I'm the damaged
Loner
Outsider
From the wrong side of the tracks
Saturday, 26 August 2017 20:13
The Stigma Of Depression. ♥
I felt like I had been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees and there's the life that only I see.
Cause' the truth is that's just the life everyone else sees.
And the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am is someone who struggles intensively with depression.
Now for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear. Because there's this popular misconception that depression is just being sad when everything goes wrong. But that's sadness, that's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion.
Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right.
Beneath my smile there was struggling and beneath my light there was dark and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain. For a large part of my life I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honestly, I feared my vulnerability. And that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner. Like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, so I thought about that way every single day.
That's the struggle, that's depression. Depression isn't a chicken pox, you don't beat it once and then it's gone forever. It something you live with. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape. And the scariest part is that after a while you become numb to it. It becomes normal to you and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others.
It's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm everyone runs over to sign your cast but if you tell people you're depressed everyone runs the other way.
We are so accepting of any body part breaking other than our brains
And that's ignorance, that's pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health.
When we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart. We all know how important it is to heal.
My hurts forced me to have hope, to have hope and to have faith. Faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance. Fight back against tolorance and more than anything learn to love ourselves. Learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are. Not the people the world wants us to be.
The world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe is one where we're measured by our abilities to overcome advertises, not avoid them. We are people and we struggle, we suffer, we bleed and we cry. And if you think that the true strength means never showing any weakness, then you're wrong. You're wrong because it's the opposite. We're people and we have problems. We are not perfect and that's okay.
We need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma and stop the silence. We need to take away the the taboos, take a look at the truth and start talking. The only way we are going to beat problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together.
Friday, 21 July 2017 17:10
New Phase of Life.. ♥
17 July 2017
What happened was hilarious, unexpected and unplanned.
I'm not sure how things started. It was a slow process but I rather take a long way and cherish each of the moment cause no rush is needed.
P.S: I can't promise you a moon nor stars. As long we're together, I'll try my best for you, myself and us.
Thursday, 13 July 2017 18:40
Human Are So Fuck Up.. ♥
When you try to be good and they take it for granted
Why human can be so fucked up? Even you give your best just for their own good but at the end of it they make you feel worthless and leave you hang in whatever situation that will leads to a thought what have you done?
C'mon, let just admit to satisfied every each of person alive is complicated and it is beyond our mind what else should we do to show to them that we care about their feeling even no one cares about you. Fuck up isn't it?
Wednesday, 5 July 2017 03:51
Happy Eid! ♥
Fall in love and you'll get killed
How was your eid? Mine was good and let me tell you what happened.
I guess we both know that we just play around when we both said you will come to me and I dare you. Sweet nightmare surprised, you came! I was speechless! But hey, I really hope you had fun came all the way from KL and met literally everyone in my family. I can't offer much while you're in a healing process from things that make you fragile but I do hope you enjoy the food at least?
Thank you for convincing me to see my dad. Guess Lord plans was best because it turned out great and best things ever during eid this year. Dealing with my stubborn especially and how you managed to pujuk me. I had a big smile while we on our way back to my house.
Dear Chipsmore, thank you for the memories.
Yes, I owe you a lifetime.
xoxo
Tuesday, 20 June 2017 04:15
A Lady With Cigarettes. ♥
And when God takes you back he will say Hallelujah you're home.
Eliminate toxic people in your life and someone better will come along. That's how this ecosystem works basically. Well someone told me that and I guess it's true because you can't keep negative people or you won't moving anywhere.
As I sitting alone with my cigarettes whatever this person say keep on repeating inside my mind. That is why I love wonder around and knowing new people because a lot of surprises are waiting ahead and having someone to talk about this life somehow can change my perspective in life.
People, it perfectly fine to break up with people who messed up your world. Know your value and it is not your loss if you already give your best to people. You are more than options and belong to someone who accepts the way you are. Bear in mind, they are just your leftover sandwich or recycle items that not worth it to keep. Enjoy your life cause the world has so many things to offer.
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